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Nothing is Fine

I mentioned the other day that I have been experiencing some changes.  Beginning a 60% raw food diet, and starting a Spending Fast are just a few of the changes happening at Casa de Morgana lately.  One of the biggest changes is that after 3 years 6 months and 25 days, BF and I ended our relationship. {This is the reasoning for the lack of blogging}  There was really no reason other than "it isn't right anymore."  I've been struggling with the decision for a while and decided it was time to make it.  We are both heartbroken, and I often wish that there were negative feelings between us, or that someone had done something to hurt the other one.  That would be easier to deal with.

How is it fair to end something so good with someone so amazing and have "I know it just isn't what the Lord has planned for me" as the reason?  It's tough, and I'm not handling it well.

The relationship I had with Thomas {yep, it's just like Mr. Big, at the end you learn his name} has been without a doubt, the best, most loving, and most healthy relationship of my life.  I was able to be loved for just being me.  On my good days, my bad days, my worst days, my pretty days, and my ugly days, my sick.and.pucking days and on my PMS days, he truly loved me.  For anyone who hasn't had that experience, I sure hope you find it!  I was really able to just be myself, which helped me to learn and grow and develop my character and my talents.  I learned about who I want to be, who I want him to be and learned about really important things that are necessary for a relationship to grow and stay strong.

We both strove for 100% honesty, and in three and half years we had one fight, one semi-argument, 2 white lies and a few minor disagreements.  It's not that we were perfect, we just worked really hard at making it work.  Our relationship and the personal growing process that came with it was important for us.  We had numerous problems, difficulties, and challenges in dealing with unemployment, deaths, births, divorces, family problems, insecurities and all of life's little thorns, but we made it a point to never raise our voices to each other, or call names. We tried really hard constantly communicate our feelings, needs, wants and concerns while being understanding of the other persons opinions and feelings.  We took time to date often and constantly get to know each other and each other's interests and hobbies, and take an active role in participating in them.

I love the relationship we had,  I love what a good friend he was to me, and I love how he was such a support to me during hard times - of which there have been many.  I will miss him dearly.  I will miss his love, his friendship, his support, his hugs, his smell, his smile, the songs he sings me, the way we always held hands, his kisses, how much fun we had, the way he rubs my neck when I'm getting a migraine, snuggling under his arm, his kind heart, his generosity, his cooking, how much we laughed, taking care of him, our nicknames for each other...  I will miss everything about him.  I love his family, and feel as though they were an extension of my own.  I grew so close to them the last few years, and will truly miss their love, counsel and support in my life.  I will miss the M's and am so sad that I will not get to see them grow up.

It will take time to heal, but I know the Lord will heal my heart.  I pray daily that he will comfort Thomas too, and help him to know, in time, that this decision is for the best for both of us.  I am thankful for the time I had to know him, and appreciate the person I am because of knowing him.  I'd like to think that because of knowing each other, we are both better people.

As sure I am that I made the right decision, I am still so sad, devastated actually.  The one person who could always make me feel better is no longer available to me, and I'm scared to move forward alone.  While he Has been part of my life since before I started this blog, and is a part of many posts, I am sad that I didn't document every detail of our relationship, because I know I will cherish those memories forever.  I feel as though there were many times I could have treated him more kindly, or done more to express my love and appreciation for him, but now I can't; so I hope he just knows how important he is to me.

It's a sad time, but I am determined to stay busy so that the sadness doesn't overwhelm me.  I know that Heavenly Father can heal a broken heart if we only ask him to.  "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more...  sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain..." (Revelations 21:4) In time, faith and hope will replace heartache, disappointment, torment, anguish, and despair, and the Lord will give us strength to move forward with the plan he has for each of us. "For I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them rejoice from their sorrow." (Jeremiah 31:13)

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